Learn the answers to common questions about children’s party etiquette, such as what to include on the invitations, how to handle RSVP's, and whether or not gifts should be opened during the party. Just click on a question below to read the answer.
Invitation Questions
- Who should be invited?
- But I don't want to leave anyone out!
- What information should be included on the invitations?
- What is the best time for a children’s party, and how long should it last?
- My child has too many toys already! How should I handle this?
- How do I word a request for no gifts?
- What if I want a parent to stay?
- How to handle RSVP’s, and more importantly, the ones who don’t call!
- How should I address the envelopes?
Theme, Party Game, and Favor Bag Questions
- How do I choose a theme for the party?
- Are competitive party games a mistake? And how many games are enough?
- How should I handle the favor bags? And who gets one?
- I’m tired of junky party favors! What else can I do?
Questions About Opening Gifts
- Should my child open gifts during the party?
- Is there a way to make opening the gifts less crazy?
- What if my child doesn’t like a gift?
Handling Children Behaving Badly
- How can I prevent the birthday child from behaving badly at the party?
- At what age can children attend parties without a parent?
- What can I do when guests behave badly?
Thank-You Notes
- What about thank you notes? Are they really that important?
Invitation Questions
Who should be invited?
Many children would love to invite their entire class, all their neighborhood friends, their soccer pals, plus any cousins who live nearby. But this just isn’t practical or affordable for most families, so where do you draw the line? First, ask yourself how many children you are comfortable hosting, and do let your budget be a consideration. A manageable party will be more enjoyable for both you and your guests!
One common guideline is to invite only as many children as your child’s age, plus one. So if your child is turning five, you would invite six children to the party. The idea behind this is to keep the party small when children are young so they are less likely to be overwhelmed. Then, each year your child learns to handle a larger group. Does this make sense? For some children it certainly does, but others may be perfectly able to enjoy a larger party without a major meltdown. As the parent, you should decide which approach is best for your child.
Another thing to consider is whether the party will be indoors or out. Typically, it is easier to host a larger group of children in an outdoor setting than indoors. For a party at home, tailor the guest list to the space you have available. You may decide to hold the party at another location such as a recreation center room, church hall, or a business that offers party packages in order to invite more children. Also, be honest with yourself about how much time and energy you have for this event. There are times when you can handle a ten-guest party, and there are times when your sanity is best preserved by taking four of your child's closest friends out for a movie and ice cream sundaes.
Whether you have a big backyard bash or a smaller destination party, do invite your child’s friends, but do not feel obligated to include their siblings. You should absolutely not feel pressured to invite the entire class. If your child is in school, you might consider inviting just the boys for a train party, only the girls for a princess party, or your child's closest male and female friends for a jungle party.
Always check with your child’s teacher for any rules about parties, since many schools have a policy that invitations may not be handed out at school. This is a good rule, because tender feelings will be hurt if not everyone in the class receives an invitation. Don’t kid yourself; by the time children are in kindergarten, they all know what those little envelopes contain, and if they don’t receive one, tears will flow. To ignore this rule is cruel. Don’t hand out invitations at school. Enough said.
Please speak to your child before sending the invitations, and discourage him/her from talking about the party at school. Explain that the children not invited will feel left out, and that you don’t want to hurt their feelings.
But I don't want to leave anyone out!
Many people share this feeling, especially after a child enters elementary school, where class sizes tend to be larger. We recommend that you not overspend your budget, or wind up with more children than you can comfortably handle. Instead, ask the teacher if you can bring a birthday treat to class on your child’s birthday, such as donuts, brownies, or cupcakes. This will let you include the entire class in a more manageable way.
What information should be included on the invitations?
Your invitations should be clear about the type of party being given, and the date, time, and location of the party. Begin by telling guests the type of party (e.g. birthday party, baby shower, etc.), and put this information at the top of the invitations. For example, the invitations could say, “Kyle’s 8th Birthday Party”, or “You’re Invited to a Baby Shower for Emily Jones”.
Next, give the date and time of the party. You definitely want to give both a start and an end time for the party to avoid confusion about when parents should return for their children. If you don’t want other parents staying, wording such as “Drop off at 2:00 pm, and pick-up at 4:00 pm” should make that clear. If the party must start or end precisely at a certain time, such as one being hosted at a movie theatre, include the word "sharp" after the time.
Be specific about the party location. If the party is being given at your home, give your street address. If the location is somewhere else, such as at a restaurant or church hall, give the name of the location (e.g. City Bowling Lanes, or First Step Ballet Studio) and the street address. It would also be helpful to give the phone number of the location for any guests who may want to call for directions.
And be kind to your fellow parents! Let them know on the invitations if the children should dress for messy activities, bring a swimsuit and towel, etc.
If you will be providing a meal, put that on the invitations, too. This is really helpful to parents when a party starts or ends close to a normal mealtime. Just add a few words that say something like “Lunch will be served at noon” or “Pizza and Cake”.
If your party will be held outdoors, you need to have a plan ready in case it rains that day. Can you move most of the activities indoors? If not, do you want to postpone the party to another date? On the invitations, you should include instructions such as, "If rain is forecasted, we'll call you with an alternate plan" or the words, "Rain date is xx/xx/xx".
Finally, give information on how you want guests to reply, such as your phone number or email address. The letters RSVP are an abbreviation for the French phrase "Respondez S'il Vous Plait." In English, RSVP stands for “Please Respond”. This part of the invitation is usually written as, “RSVP to [parent's name] at [phone #] or [email address].” Some people even use clever RSVP lines that match a theme. For instance, with a farm or cowboy party, you might say, "Yeahs or neighs should call [phone #]". Here are the most common RSVP formats used on invitations:
- RSVP to Debbie at [phone number] or [email].
- RSVP by June 1 to Debbie at [phone number].
- Kindly respond to Debbie Jones at [phone number].
- Please reply to Debbie Jones at [phone number].
- Regrets only, to Debbie at [phone number]. (Please note that "regrets only" means that you only want people to call if they cannot attend. You assume everyone else is coming.)
Laurie Wrigley, founder of Birthday in a Box, says: "My personal pet peeve on party invitations is when the parent prints 'RSVP to my mommy', but they do not include a name. It's cute, but this makes it awkward for someone who doesn't know the mother to respond. It feels silly to call and have to say, 'Hi, this is Laurie, I'd like to speak with Jack's mommy.'" Should you ask guests to respond by a certain date? Yes, because you really do need to know how many people are coming! To do this, simply put “RSVP by [date]” on the invitations. We suggest your RSVP include a deadline that is about a week before the party. This gives you time to purchase any extra party supplies or favors you may need, and, if necessary, provide a guest count to a party facility. Make sure to mail the invitations two to three weeks before the party so you can get an accurate head count and shop for supplies.
What is the best time for a children’s party, and how long should it last?
For babies and toddlers up to three years old, a one hour party is long enough, when naptime is still a consideration. When children are four to seven years old, plan on one and a half hours for the party. By the time children are eight to eleven years old, they can easily handle a two hour party. Children twelve and up can entertain themselves to some extent, so they will likely want an evening party or sleepover.
The best time of day to have a baby or toddler party is probably 10am to 11am. This lets you work around nap time, and is long enough for some free play and cake. As children get older, parties are usually from 1:30pm-3pm or 2pm-4pm. This gives plenty of time for games, snacks, and cake. A big plus to having an afternoon party is that you won’t need to serve a meal.
My child has too many toys already! How can I handle this?
Many families enjoy the fun of hosting a birthday party, but dread the avalanche of gifts that may never be used or appreciated by their child. We have some great alternatives that preserve the fun aspect of giving and receiving gifts! Instead of bringing gifts for the birthday child, your guests bring an item to be donated to a local charity. If you decide to go this route, remember to provide clear instructions on the invitations.
When many of the guests attend the same school, request that they bring a new book for the school library. If your child loves animals, consider asking guests to bring pet food to be donated to the local animal shelter. If your church or community runs a food pantry, ask guests to bring their favorite food items to donate.
For a somewhat older child, perhaps age seven to eight, guests can bring a toy that will be donated to a children’s hospital or homeless shelter. Younger children may become too upset at giving up the toys, which is why we suggest an age range for this option. Use your own judgment as to whether your child is ready for this idea.
With these suggestions, all the children involved participate in giving to a worthy cause, and they all leave the party feeling good about their donation. The other parents will cheer for you, and your own child gets the honor of bringing the donated items to the chosen charity the next day. Take photos as your child donates the items, and offer him/her lots of praise for being generous and helping others.
We know of one more alternative used in some communities. With this idea, both gifts and goody bags are replaced by a book exchange. Each guest brings a new, wrapped book to the party and they all go home with a new book, including the birthday child. The book exchange becomes one of the party activities, with each child choosing a wrapped book to keep.
How do I word a request for no gifts?
The most common way to discourage gifts is to add the words "No Gifts Please" to the bottom of the invitations. Another phrase often used is "Your presence is present enough". But when it comes to children’s birthday parties, some parents will feel that bringing a gift is part of the celebration, so be prepared for a few guests to arrive with a gift anyway.
If you are requesting "no gifts" because your child already has an abundance of toys, consider asking each guest to bring an item to donate to a specific charity instead. Some ideas that have worked for other families are new books to be donated to the school library, pet food to be donated to an animal shelter, or toys for a the homeless shelter or children’s hospital. The other parents will cheer for you, and your own child gets the honor of taking the donated items to your chosen charity the next day. All the children involved will get to participate in giving to a worthy cause, and they all will leave your party feeling good about their donations.
What if I want a parent to stay?
Sometimes you may want other parents on hand to help you supervise the children during the party. This is often helpful when you're hosting a group of kids five or younger. To make this request clear, you can add wording on the invitations asking that the invited child come with one parent. A good time to confirm this request is when the other parents call you to respond.
How to handle RSVP’s, and more importantly, the ones who don’t call!
The letters RSVP are an abbreviation for the French phrase "Respondez S'il Vous Plait." In English, RSVP stands for “Please Respond”.
If you ask guests to RSVP by a specific date, some wonderful parents will actually call! For the rest, you will need to get on the phone to find out who is coming. Just because a parent hasn’t responded, don’t assume their child isn’t coming to your party! And you really do need a head count for planning purposes, because you want to have enough food and party favors for every child who attends the party.
This is not the time to teach anyone else good manners, so keep your voice and words pleasant when making these calls. You may be gritting your teeth with frustration, but it is not the child’s fault if their parent didn’t respond to your invitation. Just try to sound friendly and say something like “Hello, this is Maggie Jones. Will your son Kevin be able to join us for the birthday party this weekend?” To keep track of responses as you speak to the parents, print a copy of our guest list sheet and keep it near the phone.
You should also be prepared to answer a common question from other parents, which is "what gift would your child like?" Responding with "it doesn't matter" won't help the other parent, so be ready with a few ideas. You can say something like "Thank you for asking. Jack really loves Legos, dinosaurs, and books about cars."
How should I address the envelopes?
Address each invitation to the person being invited. If you want little Bobby to attend, but not his siblings, address the envelope to Bobby Smith. Keep in mind that children under the age of five will usually bring a date—their mom. Many children this age are not ready to socialize at a party without a parent nearby. These moms will linger in the background, eager to help you serve cake and clear away dishes, but they generally do not expect to be fed or entertained in any way.
If you do want entire families to attend the party, address the invitation to "Bobby Smith and Family", or "The Smith Family". Or you could write "Siblings Welcome" inside the invitation.
Mail your invitations two to three weeks before the party. Please note that formal invitations to children will address boys as Master Bobby Smith and girls as Miss Julie Smith. Do birthday party invitations need to be this formal? That is up to you, so follow the norm in your community.
Favor Bag, Theme, and Party Game Questions
How do I choose a theme for the party?
Your child’s favorite character, toy, and activity will give you the best ideas for a party theme. Does he love Elmo on Sesame Street? Is she crazy about kittens? Do princess dolls, trains, or construction trucks overrun your home? Is soccer or dance class your child’s favorite activity? Any of these things can make a great theme for your child's party.
Still stumped? You can also look through our selection of party themes for ideas, and narrow the choices down to two or three. Then, talk them over with your child, and let him/her make the final decision. This approach works very well with children age six or under. After that, your child will probably tell you theme ideas for several months prior to his/her birthday!
Just be sure to include your child in the decision before ordering any partyware. We know one mom who was planning a precious tea party for her daughter’s 8th birthday, only to be told by the birthday girl that she wanted a Harry Potter Party with boys and girls!
Are competitive party games a mistake? And how many games are enough?
Some parents worry about games that result in winners and losers. Does that make them a poor choice as a party activity? Probably not, especially if your guests have played the game before and consider it fun. The key is to make the prizes fairly small, so the other children aren’t tempted to feel jealous. Consider giving small packets of candy, or stickers as prizes. Be sure to include non-competitive activities in your party, too, such as a craft or a group game where the children work together in teams.
Laurie Wrigley, founder of Birthday in a Box, adds this great advice:"On the subject of competition, I think that children four and under are probably too young for competitive games in which there is a single winner or players are eliminated. While most may be able to handle it, there may be one or two who cannot. Instead, I would advise that each young child be given a participation prize or be made to feel like a winner. For instance, with a musical game, the adult can ensure everyone wins by stopping the music appropriately. The prize could be a sticker so it's easy to see who has won and who hasn't. Or, if there is a broad range of ages, you may want to pair younger children with an older partner or an adult who can share in the win or loss." When planning party activities, always add two more games than you think you will need. These extra ideas will rescue you on the party day if the children finish a game more quickly than you expected. For a toddler party, it is generally fine to let the kids play freely most of the time, so one or two games are all you will need.
For other age groups, plan 3-5 crafts or games if your party will last one-and-a-half hours. For a two-hour party, you will need 4-6 activities.
Don't push the children to finish a game that they are enjoying. If you've hit upon a winner, the kids may want to play it again! Forget about getting through your entire list of games, and let the party flow at its own pace. Our founder, Laurie Wrigley, shares how she learned the value of letting the kids set the pace at a party:"I remember trying to entice preschoolers out of the sandbox to play one of the six too many games I'd planned for my youngest daughter's party. My husband laughed and asked, "when do they just get to be kids?" And he was so right--they were perfectly happy playing together in the sand. I didn't have to force it!"
How should I handle the favor bags? And who gets one?
Providing party favors, often called goody bags, is pretty standard at children’s birthday parties. A favor is basically a small thank you gift for each guest for attending the party. Each favor bag typically contains a few small toys and candy.
You need to prepare the favor bags before the big day, and place them near the party exit. That way they will be right where you need them as guests begin to leave. Make a favor bag for every child attending the party, plus one or two extra in case any unconfirmed guests are suddenly able to come at the last moment. (Yes, this happens all the time.)
The birthday child should hand out the favor bags and say "thank you" to each guest as they leave. Coach your child in advance so she/he will know what to do on the day of the party.
What if a parent arrives to pick up their child and a sibling is with them? Do you need to give the sibling a favor bag? No, you do not. However, if you are asking some parents to stay during the party, be prepared for some of them to bring along other children. In this instance, you may want to have a few extra favors on hand so siblings in attendance don't feel left out.
I’m tired of junky party favors! What else can I do?
Some parents complain that the toys marketed as party favors can be of poor quality or are quickly discarded by their child. This waste prompts them to look for other parting gift ideas.
Instead of a bag full of little toys, try finding one item that relates to your party theme. Here are some ideas that have worked for other parents:
Another popular option is to let guests make their favor as part of a craft activity during the party. For example:
- Paint a flower pot, and fill it with a plant.
- Paint or otherwise decorate a wooden birdhouse (found at craft stores).
- Use permanent markers and stickers to decorate a plastic light-switch plate (found at craft or hardware stores).
- Decorate a plain T-shirt with fabric markers.
- Make a picture frame from popsicle sticks, and decorate it with random puzzle pieces. (If desired, an adult can spray paint the completed frames with silver paint. If possible, take a group photo during the party, and quickly print copies to insert into the frame as each guest leaves.)
- Look through our selection of craft kits for additional ideas
In some communities, the giving of gifts and goody bags has been replaced by book exchanges. Each guest brings a new, wrapped book to the party (instead of a gift), and everyone goes home with a new book, including the birthday child. The book exchange becomes one of the party activities, with each child choosing a wrapped book to keep.
Questions About Opening Gifts
Should my child open gifts during the party?
In many areas, opening gifts is no longer expected at children’s parties. Families will now often wait until the guests have left before allowing their children to open the gifts. The reason for this is obvious to anyone who has seen an over-excited young child tear open gifts and fling them aside without saying “thank you”. Plus, watching your child open one gift after another may make some guests jealous. And, worst of all are the hurt feelings caused by the birthday child blurting out his/her true reaction to an unpopular gift. With all the anticipation leading up to the party day, it is very common for the birthday child to become overwhelmed and behave badly or melt into tears.
Sometimes other guests want to get in on the action and “help” open gifts, but they end up breaking the gift or losing the attached card. At larger parties, opening the gifts may simply take too much time to be practical. It could also cause some guests to feel embarrassed if they think their gift isn’t as nice as the others. These are all excellent reasons to wait for a calmer moment to open the gifts. Consider asking one friend to stay after the party to share in the fun and provide some company while your child opens the gifts.
Hold on, we're not done yet! What if a family wants to open the gifts during the party? There is another view on this subject, and it goes like this: Children will be giving and receiving gifts all their lives, and their birthday parties are an opportunity for them to learn how to handle it well. This is a valid point, so if you decide to let your child open gifts during the party, coach her/him ahead of time on how to look at each guest and say thank you in a nice voice, whether or not she/he likes the gift. Consider making gift opening the last activity of the party, after guests have had lots of fun playing games and eating cake, and maybe even winning a few prizes of their own. Have an adult make a list of the gifts so your child can send thank-you notes later.
Laurie Wrigley, founder of Birthday in a Box, shares these thoughts on opening gifts:"I feel pretty strongly about rehearsing gift opening with your child, especially little ones, so they understand etiquette. On the day before the party, sit with your child and go over your expectations as well as his. For younger children, practice opening gifts. Hand your child a small toy and have him pretend to open it. Then, coach him on ways to thank the giver. You may also practice what to say if he is given a gift he already owns, such as, 'Thank you. I really like trucks.'"
Is there a way to make opening the gifts less crazy?
You can cut down on the frenzy of opening gifts by turning it into a party activity. Ask the children to hold their gift and sit down on pieces of construction paper which you have set on the floor in a large circle. This will keep them spread out so they don’t all crowd around the birthday child. Have the birthday child sit in the circle, too, and call on the guests one at a time to present their gifts to be opened. Your child should open each gift and say thank you before you call on the next child. Go around the circle until all the gifts have been opened. Be sure to make a list of the gifts so your child can send thank-you notes later. For additional ideas on how to turn gift opening into an activity, check out our Gift Opening Tips article.
What if my child doesn’t like a gift?
There is bound to be a gift that just isn’t as popular with your child as the others. One approach is to wait until after the party to open gifts, which also saves time and avoids hurt feelings. If you decide to open the gifts at the party, be sure to remind the birthday child how to behave: Look at the giver, and say thank you in a nice voice, even if he/she doesn't like the gift!
Handling Children Behaving Badly
How can I prevent the birthday child from behaving badly at the party?
Talk to your child before the party about your basic expectations, such as saying hello to each guest as they arrive and being friendly to everyone. Be forgiving if she/he forgets her/his party manners at times, but do remind her/him to thank the guests as they leave and hand each child a party favor. A four-year-old should only be expected to say thank you as guests leave and hand out goody bags. A five-year-old should do this in addition to greeting guests as they arrive, and he/she should be instructed not to complain about the outcome of any party games. Each year your child will be able to handle a little bit more responsibility during the party, building good social skills along the way.
For many children, the day of her/his birthday party is one of the happiest days of the year. She/he has been anticipating the party for weeks, and as excitement builds, the chance of a meltdown increases. If this happens to your child during her/his party, be kind! Little children can be overwhelmed at birthday parties, and your job is to help your child calm down and get back to the fun. Don’t show anger or say anything to ruin her/his happy day.
At what age can children attend parties without a parent?
When your child is a guest, plan to stay at each party he/she attends through the age of four. Trust the experienced moms. They know that kids this age really do need a parent nearby at social events like birthday parties, no matter how independent they are at home. Many children become overwhelmed by the excitement and the crowd at a party, and you can’t be sure your little darling won’t have a breakdown. It’s not fair to the host of the party to be stuck caring for a crying child when they should be running the party.
By age five and up, most kids are ready to go it alone at a party, provided they know a few of the guests. The best way to decide is to simply ask your child if he/she wants you to stay for awhile. Your child will let you know if he/she is ready for you to drop him/her off and leave!
What can I do when guests behave badly?
Keeping an eye on a group of excited children is challenging, to say the least. We recommend asking another adult to help you on the party day. This can be a good friend, a relative or a favorite babysitter. Birthday parties, with high levels of excitement and the possibility of too much sugar, can result in children who break down in tantrums, tears, or wild behavior. This is when you'll be glad if you have another adult to step in and help. Try to be patient and stay positive. If the child’s parent is there, ask that they handle the situation. If not, try offering another activity to redirect an upset child and dry those tears. Some children may need to be taken to a quiet spot to calm down before they are ready to rejoin the party.
When wild behavior is the problem, try redirecting the child to another activity, or ask that child to help you gather the guests for the next game. You or your adult helper may need to separate the child from the rest of the party, and allow a few minutes to calm down. If these ideas don’t work, be ready to tell the child that you will have to ask his/her parents to take him/her home if he/she does not settle down.
Thank-You Notes
What about thank-you notes? Are they really that important?
Thank-you notes are definitely necessary. When someone has taken the time to choose a gift for your child, they deserve to be thanked. This is an excellent time to teach your child about gratitude and courtesy. The note doesn’t have to be long or wordy; it should just mention the gift and something positive about it, and thank the giver for coming to the party. Ideally, the notes should be sent within two weeks of the party. But don't use this guideline as an excuse not to do them! Thank-you notes should still be sent no matter how many weeks have passed. A late note is better than none!
If your child receives a duplicate gift or one that isn’t liked, don’t mention this in the note. Be creative about the duplicate by saying something like, “Thank you for the fairy doll. I love playing with fairies.” And for the gift that isn’t popular, try something like, “Thank you for the new shirt. I'm glad you came to my party."
For children who cannot print yet, you should write the note and have your child draw a picture or sign the bottom. As ability improves, let your child write more of the note. This is a great way to build social and writing skills. After a few birthdays, your child will come to view the notes as just another part of having a party, which is precisely your goal! Take a look at our personalized thank-you notes and fill-in-the-blank style thank-you notes for a great selection that will make this task easier for you and your child.
Some people feel that a hand-written note is the only way to go, but the truth is that lots of children would rather do it on a computer. Should you allow this? We think a thank-you note created by your child on the computer is fine, as long as your child personally signs each one.
Getting those thank-you notes out the door requires having a list of the gifts and who gave what. Be sure to assign this task to an adult before your child begins opening the gifts. To make this job simpler, create a list of the guests' names before the party, and then jot down each gift beside the giver's name as they are opened.
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